Patricks video,with music

baby mine was the song i sung to him while he was still alive...i miss him so

guilt is my companion today

so obviously i am having a lot of guilt today...nothing new about that..i have days where i feel the guilt intenseley and days its not so bad. i will always wonder what if i had never left the hospital? would that have made a diffrence? would i have caught onto the fact something was wrong had i been there? woould i have been able to prevent this? i think about what i have now,and i am grateful for it...but i think about what i should have and feel regret...i didnt do enough to save you and im sorry...i miss you so much.i am extremeley loneley for you..i wish i could hold you again,i wish you were here. i am so happy for my friends that have thier rainbows...but i am so angry that i wont have mine. somethings got to give. i dont want to live like this forever.

all the things...

you will never get to do...

so I miss you again tonight,as i do evrynight. as i am on babycenter,seeing all the other babies milestones and big events,it got me thinking about the things you will never get to do...

and that i will never get to see...

your first smile

your first steps

you never got to see your home

never got to meet your sisters

you will never go to school

never get to see the leaves change color..

i will never get to hear you laugh

or comfort you when you cry

you will never get to play a video game with daddy

play tag with your sisters

i will never be able to get you your first shoes

or take you to grandmas

you will never get to see the sun,feel the wind,or the snow

play sports

get dirty

go fishing

theres so much...the list could go on and on for pages....

im sorry i will never get to see you do these things....it breaks my heart evryday. i am so jelous that evryone else has thier baby..but not me:( i guess God didnt think i was a good enough mom for you.yesterday,as i was online...the greatest sadness came over me..i couldnt hide the tears..daddy could tell i was upset. you should be here with me,not with God...playing with your cousins zach and buddy. i have so little of you..but yet,you take up so much of me. i am not even being a good mom to your sisters,because i cant help but think i should have you too....i saw a lady with a tiny baby in the store the other day and wanted to cry..why not her...why us?why did you have to go? what did i di to deserve this...why did i have to watch you suffer like that...why couldnt i save you?

Dear Patrick

How I miss you. We went past the funeral home that handled your arrangements beautifully and all I could do is cry...yes,i cried on the bus. I was a bit embarassed,but all those people on the bus have no clue what we have gone through. I am blessed to have met so many people through your passing....women i never would have met otherwise. These women have helped me through the tough times,listened to me vent,cry,or just say my random thoughts. They've sent me gifts and made beautiful pictures in your memory....and i am extremeley grateful to have met them..though I wish it would have been under diffrent circumstances. I am hoping to post your birth story soon..no matter if it is short or not,but the 4 days you were with me have made the biggest impact on my life. as a matter of fact,i think i will post your birth story tomorrow. I love you baby,sleep tight,and send angel kisses to me and daddy tonight.
love
mommy

a little video in honor of Patrick. Its not much,but its my first attemt. so many beautiful memories in this.....wish i would have had the chance to make more memories:(

Dear Patrick

I miss you so much my angel. I am so sorry that I couldn't save you. Im sorry that I couldn't keep you from coming early. When you were born,you were the tiniest,most perfect living doll I had ever seen. Even with the tubes and wires,you were beautiful. As i sat by your bed for the days in the hospital,i marveled at your tiny hands,your perfect feet. You made the funniest faces when the nurses would change your IV,or when your diaper was changed....you balled up your little fist and started making a face like you were going to cry. You got so mad. You were born so small,but so strong. You bareley needed the vent,and you let evryone know it. When I held you for the first time,those were the best 3 hours of my life....it was as if time itself stood still..the noises of the NICU ceased to exist,and it was just me and you. I remember your weight,your feel,and your smell. You loved being held. Daddy never got to hold you,but he was in awe of you when he first saw you. when he touched your feet,you curled your toes around his fingertip and wouln't let go. Evry time i loook at your daddy,i see you...you had his nose,mouth and chin...his feet his hairline...evrything

i would give anything i have to have you back.