guilt is my companion today

so obviously i am having a lot of guilt today...nothing new about that..i have days where i feel the guilt intenseley and days its not so bad. i will always wonder what if i had never left the hospital? would that have made a diffrence? would i have caught onto the fact something was wrong had i been there? woould i have been able to prevent this? i think about what i have now,and i am grateful for it...but i think about what i should have and feel regret...i didnt do enough to save you and im sorry...i miss you so much.i am extremeley loneley for you..i wish i could hold you again,i wish you were here. i am so happy for my friends that have thier rainbows...but i am so angry that i wont have mine. somethings got to give. i dont want to live like this forever.